My Journery…continued…to be continued…

It has been a crazy couple years for me in my journey. I first realized two years ago that I had asked the wrong question, “What does the world need?” The question I needed to ask was, “What makes me come Alive?” As I started to discover my heart, I started to pursue a career in Law Enforcement. I applied to 3 departments in and around Columbus.

That turned out to be an awesome adventure! I experienced a lot of growth in my masculine journey, physically, mentally, and emotionally through all the different processes I had to prepare for, and go through! As well as some growth as God’s Son/Warrior/Beloved! There were some agreements broken and wounds healed. One overwhelming theme has been “You have what it takes.” “You can do this.” “See, I knew you could do that!” “Well done Son!” I think I blazed through a couple of the stages of the masculine journey in the past two years! I am still on the waiting list for two of the departments.

I know Father led me to pursue that path, as much as I know that I am not on that path anymore by His design. Monday August 24th I officially started classes full time at BGSU/Online. Should take me a little over 2 semesters to finish my BS in Tech. Ed., then on to a Masters. Not sure what yet, knowing Father will tell me when I need to know (but leaning towards something in counseling). He is leading me to finish my BS and beyond into something more geared to my glory, the glory that He has bestowed upon me, and desires me to live in, His Glory shining through me.

I know I am on the right path, I know this because it is opposed. I press on, I have what it takes. I can do this.

A Hallmark Moment

My son Luke turned 13 this past Sunday (7/12). In the morning he opened a special gift that only a father can give: a Marlin semi-automatic .22 rifle with a 4×32 scope. He then enjoyed a fun day at the beach with family and friends.

After the festivities were over and my wife and I we were just about to turn in, Luke came into our bedroom and sat on our bed. He then jumped next to me to snuggle. I asked him if anything was wrong. He said no. Then he asked if I could pray for him. Now typically this is something we do together on his bed as he is going to sleep. But he had a specific request.

“Now that I’m 13, would please pray that I can get to know God better and that I can make faith in God my own and that I would live out my faith.”

Wow. I couldn’t have scripted this any better. Next to me was my oldest son, whom at 3 months of age was hospitalized for 30 days and almost died. I believed then that God spared his life for a purpose. And my prayer ever since has been that he would become a mighty warrior for Christ. In his own way, he expressed the desire of my heart.

Words fail in the ability to express my emotions then and right now as I type this to you. Humbled? Grateful? Sober? Amazed? Overwhelmed? So joyful that I just want to run outside and scream and dance and sing?

I share this to encourage your heart. Our faith is living and active and the investment we make into our children and others will reap huge dividends for the Kingdom. We do not serve an impotent God. We serve a ‘right here with me now’ Father who is actively engaged in advancing His Kingdom in our hearts and lives. This is what it’s all about.

Now, just be sure to remind me of this ‘Hallmark moment’ when he’s driving me so nuts that I want to pull out all of my grey hair. That will bring me back to reality real quick!

Knighthood…

My wife’s birthday was coming up and I was asking Father what I should do or give her to make it special. (It wasn’t a big year like 35 or 40 or anything that we usually make a big deal about, just thirty something. But I wanted to make it special anyway.) When He says,

“Knight her.”

Ha ha, uh what? How do you knight a woman? That, that’s a guy thing.

“Think about it, you’ll figure it out.” He said.

So I thought. After a few days I was thinking of the final battle in Lord of the Rings when Eowyn slayed the witch king, when Father shows up…and revealed Sandy’s part in His story and how it fits with my part in His story…

“Remember when you were preparing for the Boot Camp this past spring and were being attacked by the enemy? Remember Sandy showing up and fighting for you in that? Remember when you were struggling with questions of work and how she showed up and pointed out that you are a warrior made for battle, and this is just a time between battles? How that – like Eowyn who stood between the Nazgul and her uncle – Sandy bears her weapons well in the battle? She is a Shieldmaiden in my Kingdom, beautiful and strong in Heart.”

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At dawn on March 15, the Rohirrim rode into battle on the Pelennor Fields. Eowyn left her place in Elfhelm’s eored and rode with the King’s company, remaining near Theoden through the charge. Suddenly the Witch-king of Angmar, Lord of the Nazgul, descended onto the field mounted on a Fell Beast. Windfola threw Eowyn and Merry in terror. When she saw that Theoden had been crushed under his own horse, Eowyn wept for she had loved him like a father and she confronted the Witch-king.

“Begone, foul dwimmerlaik, lord of carrion! Leave the dead in peace!”

A cold voice answered: “Come not between the Nazgul and his prey! Or he will not slay thee in thy turn. He will bear thee away to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where thy flesh shall be devoured, and thy shrivelled mind be left naked to the Lidless Eye.”

A sword rang as it was drawn. “Do what you will; but I will hinder it, if I may.”

“Hinder me? Thou fool. No living man may hinder me!”

Then Merry heard of all sounds in that hour the strangest. It seemed that Dernhelm laughed, and the clear voice was like the ring of steel. “But no living man am I! You look upon a woman. Eowyn I am, Eomund’s daughter. You stand between me and my
lord and kin. Begone, if you be not deathless! For living or dark undead, I will smite you, if you touch him.” The Return of the King: “The Battle of the Pelennor Fields,” p. 116

The Fell Beast shrieked and struck at her, but Eowyn stood her ground and she beheaded the evil creature with one swift and skillful stroke. The Witch-king shattered her shield and her shield-arm with his mace and she fell to her knees. The Witch-king prepared to deliver the death blow, but then Merry pierced the sinew of the his knee with his sword of Westernesse, causing the Witch-king to stumble.

Eowyn summoned her strength and thrust her sword into the space between his crown and mantle, and the Witch-king was vanquished. His robes fell empty to the ground and his spirit passed away with a shrill wail. Thus it was that Eowyn fulfilled a 1,000-year-old prophecy spoken by the Elf-lord Glorfindel that the Witch-king would not fall by the hand of man.

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So I gave a little speach at her party and ended it like so…

For Years Sandy has fought hard for the hearts of her family. Especially mine.

She has taken up sword and shield often in the last 2 years as I have found my heart, and starting fighting for the hearts of other men. She has been a powerful ally against our enemy in the battle for God’s kingdom.

I just cannot think of going to battle without her at my side.

So as an Honor to her and a witness to all who came to her party, I presented her with a symbol of her Spiritual bravery, strength and wisdom. A replica of Eowyn’s sword.

It was awesome, Sandy was really blessed. People were teary eyed. And men were bummed that I raised the bar so high for them . And Sandy was reeeeally blessed!

Not many men can give their wife a sword for her birthday and pull it off – But I nailed it!

The Scramble

So for the past several weeks I have been doing everything I can to make things work. You know “work harder” “work more”. Basically doing whatever I can to make life work.

It is a slippery slope for me anyway and with the “current times” it has turned into a cliff. I guess to sum it up, I have been working like things are only up to me.

Last week I noticed it. Maybe too late or maybe earlier than I normally do, but I noticed it in a unique way. I noticed it in my relationships. My relationships at home, at work, and with friends.

I am beginning to think that results and relationships are mutually exclusive.  In other words, I am coming to believe that you can have relationships or you can have results but to can’t have both. Not that if you focus on relationships there will be NO results, like everyone just sitting around drinking coffee and talking. But rather, when the primary focus is results, than I find myself manipulating people to get the results at the expense of the relationship.

When I was listening to the Ransomed heart pod cast this weekend, they were talking about “the economy” and John said something that I am still chewing on. He said that when he doesn’t feel like he has a cushion, he finds himself scrambling. In other words, trying hard to make things work. But the extra work load is a direct conflict with the “pace of life” that he feels god has shown him and that he walks in to walk with god.

What a perfect description of how I have felt. To make things work I need to “ramp it up a bit” but that leaves no room for relationships and comes from a place where I am “on my own” and must make things work. What if I walk with god and trust that things will work out? Not sit around like some fatalistic ball in the giant pin ball game of life, but as a loved son who’s father will guide me down the path of true life.

What if I didn’t scramble? What if I lived in today without the worry of tomorrow? What if I learn to love the person in front of me and lives with the belief in the “value of human life” that I have so often proclaim? What if I trusted that the really important things in life will be ok and stopped trying to make things look better than they really are?

God’s Sovereign Soil

I was listening to NPR this morning and they had an interview with one of the officers from the naval vessel that assisted in the rescue of the captain from the ship that was held hostage by pirates from Somalia. He described a few things that happened in the rescue and shooting and toward the end of his account of things, he made a statement that really hit me. He said that they were all excited when the captain was brought on board the US naval vessel and (here is the part that has me thinking) “He was safe. He was on sovereign US soil aboard our vessel”. 

This gave me the chills. The whole Patriotic thing at first and then it seemed like something more. I cant get past a few thoughts.

First, that the US would send a heavily armored vessel with hundreds of trained men and women to rescue one citizen in a raft half way around the world. I just think that this is so much like Father’s plan. To send in whatever it takes to get the one who is lost. He will do whatever it takes to rescue us.

Second, that we are living on sovereign soil. Yes the US is an amazing place to live, but even more important, the citizenship we have in eternity. We  have nothing to fear. We are on sovereign soil. Our enemy can try as he may, but we are safe, protected, and can’t be harmed. I am sure that a ship full of soldiers feels better than the raft with a gun to his head, but to think of it as sovereign US soil is just a whole other level.

I think I am happy to be on the ship most days, but I don’t think I live like I am on sovereign soil. I live my life in fear that I will be taken hostage by a guy with a gun while I am in the midst of hundreds of trained military personnel. I have found some freedom in this. The freedom that I am not held captive to anything and that no matter what my circumstances look like, I am on sovereign soil.

Missing Child… Please Help!

ALERT! Have you seen this child?

Matthew “The Cowboy” Hexter
Missing since: age 6
CLEVELAND, OHIO

What to do (from the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children):

• If your child is missing from home, search the house checking closets, piles of laundry, in and under beds, inside large appliances, and inside vehicles, including trunks—wherever a child may crawl or hide.
• If you still cannot find your child, immediately call your local law enforcement agency.
• If your child disappears in a store, notify the store manager or security office. Then immediately call your local law-enforcement agency. Many stores have a Code Adam plan of action— if a child is missing in the store, employees immediately mobilize to look for the missing child.

What do you do if YOU are the missing child?

I came across this picture today while looking through an old photo album. Here was a little guy ready to take on the world. He wasn’t play acting; we “was” a cowboy. And he had his gun drawn, ready for action at a moment’s notice.

Where is he today?

Today he looks outside the window of his home office, feeling trapped. A bunch of snow was dumped on his front lawn yesterday and he would love to get on his snow gear and run outside and build a snow fort with his kids or go sledding down the street. But he can’t. At least he thinks he can’t. The expectation from his employer is that he’ll put in his “9 to 5.” This whole ‘work’ thing feels like nothing more than a prison. And besides that, the work he does doesn’t bring life. It feels more like death. It feels so ‘left-handed.’

Is this the life the little cowboy was expecting to live? Where is that little guy now, the one who was ready to ‘take on the world?’

In some sense, this is why we need to ‘get our hearts back.’ Many of us have heard the quote: “Don’t ask what the world needs, rather, ask what makes your heart come alive, and go do that. Because what the world needs is men and women whose hearts have come alive.”

Okay, I get that. Seriously, I do.

“But…”

And that’s where the problem arises.

It’s one thing to ‘get your heart back’ at a bootcamp or retreat. But how do we ‘go do that?’ That’s the rub.

As I walk with Father on this journey, I’m starting to see that now that I have my heart back, now it’s time for some major healing, and that takes time. I can’t ‘rush the field,’ and that also applies to my ‘calling.’ While the little cowboy in me was ready to take on the world, my heart was untrained. Now that I’m walking in Father’s love, the disconnect between who I am and who I want to be is getting smaller. I am slowly becoming a ‘whole man.’ And now that wholeness is coming, my ‘go do that’ glasses are slowly bringing more and more clarity.

And in all this, I’m finally realizing that the missing child in me has been found. And that fact alone puts a big ole’ cowboy grin on my face.

a trustable heart

Last weekend I got together with a few Allies for a Guys Night Out. We had a great time. Since it is between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I was greatly looking forward to it. If you are anything like me; I get overwhelmed with all the estrogen, religious baggage, commercialism of the holidays,

It was a good time. I enjoyed getting to know Phillip more. Hearing how the father has been working in his heart. As well as getting to share and listen to everyone’s else heart. We watched a great movie. Spent the night. It truly was a good time.

Leaving in the morning I felt a little – unmet. It seems I had an expectation for God to show up in a way that he didn’t, if that makes sense.

Not too long into the hour plus drive home, as I was listening to a CD Phillip gave me, God showed up.

It went a little something like this…

As I was listening to Phillips music, I wished that I was able to write things like songs and poetry, or anything eloquently for that matter.

I thought of a song that had a line something like “In my father’s house” (not that one about the many rooms). Then it faded to more like “In my Father’s arms”. That’s when God showed up.

I saw in that moment and every moment, before and after, I was in my Father’s arms.

   ”Rocco, do you trust Me?” God asked.
   ”Uh, yes.” I answered. (Almost asking myself.)
   ”Do I give good gifts?” God Asked.
   ”Yes.” I answered.
   ”Do you trust my heart?” He asked.
   ”Yes.”
   ”Did I give you a new heart?”
   ”Yes.”
   ”Would I give you a bad heart?”
   ”No.”
   ”Then your heart is good.”
   ”Yeah.”
   ”If you trust My heart, you can trust your heart.” God proclaimed.
   ”So this doesn’t have anything to do with poetry or music, does it? How do I ‘not trust my heart’?”
   ”You relinquish your authority. You let others make decisions for you.”
   ”But, that’s cause I am trying to be nice.”
   ”No. You don’t trust your heart. I have given you your heart, the desires of your heart, not for your benefit alone, but for all those in your life. They will miss out on great things if you don’t trust your heart.”

That’s when the tears started flowing. I cried the rest of the way home pondering that. He was right. I let others make decisions based on the fact I don’t trust my own heart. I believed my judgments and wisdom was not as good as others’.

What really sealed the deal for me was late that night as my family sat in the living room, Sandy my wife was reading the final chapter of The Silver Chair by C. S. Lewis, the adventure is over and Good has prevailed. As Eustace and Jill prepare to return home, Caspian, who is now a young man again (cause they are in Heaven) asked to see their world…

   ”Oh,” said Caspian. “I see what’s bothering you. You think I’m a ghost, or some nonsense. But don’t you see? I would be if I appeared in Narnia now: because I don’t belong there anymore. But one can’t be a ghost in one’s own country. I might be a ghost if I got into your world. I don’t know. But I suppose it isn’t yours either, now your here.”
   A great hope rose in the children’s hearts. But Aslan shook his shaggy head. “No, my dears,” he said. “When you meet me here again, you will have come to stay. But not now. You must go back to your own world for a while.”
   ”Sir,” said Caspian, “I’ve always wanted to have just one glimpse of their world. Is that wrong?”
   “You cannot want wrong things any more, now that you have died, my son,” said Aslan.

God was sitting there, looking out of the corner of His eye at me, a gentle, slight smile on His face.

Lie identified, Agreement broken.

Rohon!

It’s about the Heart.

I have a very personal testimony concerning alcoholism, and the freedom God has brought to me in that area. You see, my dad is an alcoholic, he has been so my whole life. I have only known two short moments of my life when he was sober. My dad was very abusive verbally. And even though he and my mom never divorced, he was never a ‘presence’ in my life (or my brothers). At some point in my young life I determined to never drink. “It was evil and brought great pain to people”, “I will never let it control my life”. The problem is, it Did control my life. Even though I didn’t drink, I was in bondage the same as my dad.

One day a few years ago, even before I read any of John E’s books, God showed me that alcohol itself was not evil. Now I didn’t run off to get drunk, But I had a peace like never before when it concerned alcohol.

As I started to read John’s books God again came and Fathered me in this area. When you see and believe the fact that we have an enemy who is out to steal, kill, and destroy our lives, you see what the true evil is, satan. He stops at nothing to wound us and lie to us in order to get us to fall for lesser lovers. My dad did so to alcohol. Many people take their question / heart to the wrong source – “Do I have what it takes? Do I have something to offer? Am I loved? Do people like me? Am I really a Man/Woman? Etc….”. The question then gets answered incorrectly or not at all, and satan is right their to seduce us to lesser lovers; alcohol, porn, food, drugs, sports, people, religion. Those things can only temporarily bring an answer, thus is born our addiction/slavery to it.

It all boils down to who or what we are taking our heart to? Unless we take it to God, we will live a miserable life. The lesser lovers will never fully ‘complete’ us. They are designed not to. Over eating a snickers is just as much a sin is over drinking alcohol. How many verses are there about being a glutton? Yet, look at our society (the US). We have more over weight people then we do drunkards, but being over weight is OK for some reason? At least you won’t get openly judged like those who occasionally drink.

My whole life I avoided alcohol, but it was bondage all the same. I live in freedom now, not freedom to live a life of a drunkard, but freedom to have a beer or drink once in a while, and enjoy it.

A lot of former friends gasped at the fact that I will drink a beer considering my childhood, “How can you drink when your dad is an alcoholic?!? You’ve suffered so much pain!?”, I’ve been asked more then once. My response? I point out the fact that one of my grandfathers molested children, should I then not have sex, or children even?

Where is your heart? Are you taking your need for Life = (Love, Acceptance, Affirmation, Validation, Identity, The deep needs of your heart, Etc.) to the Father? Or to food, drink, toys, games, cars, careers, women, sports, etc.?

What is your relationship to God? I hope you are not living a life of duty, or religious obligation. I hope you are living in the Father’s love, in love with him. I hope you are taking your heart to Him. Walking with Him, in the garden, holding hands, talking, laughing, being loved by Him, and loving Him. That’s His desire, that’s why He made us, that’s what He longs for still.

The past few weeks God has been fathering me to fight for my dad’s heart. Trust me when I say the thought of that is not easy! God is showing me that I have something to offer my dad, not as his son, but as a son of God. At some point before I was born my dad’s heart was wounded, and satan seduced him to a lesser Lover (alcohol). The fight is not to show him how alcohol is a sin and how he needs to repent and ask for forgiveness. The fight will be for him to see God as his true love, the One who is pursuing him, Who delights in him as His son, His beloved.

It’s about the Heart.

I am looking forward to the day of the Lord’s return, when we will feast with him…

Isaiah 25:6 (NIV)
6 On this mountain the LORD Almighty will prepare
a feast of rich food for all peoples,
a banquet of aged wine—
the best of meats and the finest of wines.

…

Oil Prices and My Life

Can you remember when gas prices were quickly approaching the $4 mark? I know that it wasn’t all that long ago, three weeks ago to be exact. Everyone was selling their SUV that they were $10k upside down on and rolling the additional debt into a Toyota Yaris or Honda Fit. Now they own a $15k car that they owe $25k on, but they are saving money on gas. With the additional 20 MPG, it will only take 25 years to pay off the extra.
 
I have to admit, the lure of getting something new and the new found “cool” of driving a matchbox car was quite alluring. I mean I could get something new and look green and save money, quite a pull. I looked in my “new car” envelope and decided that with what I had saved, I would save a ton of gas by riding my new skateboard. At the same point, I did leave my F350 Diesel (crew cab 4X4 of course) in the driveway and began to drive my wife’s ambiguously gay yellow VW bug convertible. (it is of course ours not just hers, but it make me feel more manly to say it’s my wife’s). I managed to get 2 to 3 times the gas mileage and for some reason for the first time in history, diesel fuel is more than regular gas. All in all, I saved quite a bit of cash. It is interesting what changes we will make to our life and even our “pose” when the circumstances in life change.
 
This morning I went to the gas station on my way to the airport and I could not believe how cheap gas has become. They are giving away a free tank of gas with every full cup of coffee. OK not really, but it is about half of what it was 3-4 weeks ago. I am wondering if everyone will go back to driving the SUV’s and if a Prius will no longer be “cool”. Have we solved the energy crisis? How could this happen? In just a few short weeks, we have gone from the end of the world to relatively cheap gas.
 
This leads me to think about how often I let my life be a reaction to my perception of the way things seem to be. How often I abandon my walk with God to react to what looks like it will be a major issue or something that will catch me off guard. I mean, if there was a car coming at me, God would want me to jump out of the way. And if the gas prices were going to destroy me financially, he would want me to have a fuel efficient car. For some strange reason, I make whatever life circumstance I am in the equivalent of being in front of a run away car. I fail to walk with Him and trust Him and take evasive actions based on my perception of the situation. Like He doesn’t know what is going on now and I need to fend for myself.
 
This morning I was listening to a podcast and one of the guys said, “because I feel like God cares for me, I don’t need to spend all my time caring (looking out) for me.” What an idea. I spend so much of my time looking out for me as if I don’t have a loving father who already has this covered. I worry, I scramble, I manipulate, I strive, I grab. I do things to get for myself as if I need to. I look at the price of gas and I trade in my SUV, loose my shirt, and get a new car that I sell myself on because it gets better gas mileage. Then 3 weeks go by, and everything changes. Then the attack comes, “you fool, look what you did.”
 
Now I know that my reaction to circumstances don’t change the way that Father loves me or cares for me. The question is not, “am I following God’s plan?” but rather, “ am I in relationship with Him, walking with Him, and is there anything I can do that He cannot redeem?” I react to things in life and I don’t even consult Him. Actually, I don’t want to “bother” Him with these “menial” things. Then I am hit with the thought that if my child was going to do something, I would love to spend time with her, menial or not.
 
Anyway, I don’t want my life to be a reaction to what I perceive my current circumstances to be. I want to walk with my father who loves me and trust that He is looking out for me so I don’t have to. This will free me to care for others. The next time I find myself thinking about looking out for my own best interests, I trust I will be driving by a gas station and regardless of  what the price is at the time, I will know that I can trust my Father.
 
By the way, I am thinking of getting a huge 4X4 suburban for next to nothing. Since I will save so much on the truck, I figure the gas should be free for the next year or so.

The Hearts of my Girls (P. 3)

It seems of late that I have been doing a lot of fighting for the hearts of the ladies in my life…

A couple weeks ago my wife and girls stopped by a small local farm-slash-market that they frequent a lot. Low and behold the cats there had a litter of kittens. Now, we already have two cats in the house. They can be a real pain at times. Especially when they pee in my tool box!

Well, from that day on my youngest daughter insisted on visiting the kittens whenever we were in the neighborhood, matter of fact, we didn’t have to be anywhere close for her to insist we go visit the kittens. No matter who she was with, Grandma, Grandpa, Oma, Opa, it was always “Let’s go visit the kittens!” Of course there was the plea to bring one home every time we did visit them (which seemed like twice a day for two weeks). Anyway, I really didn’t want to get another one…Then it occurred to me that this is something her heart really delights in. I have an opportunity here to fight for her heart, to be her Father. To delight in the things she delights in.

So we have a new kitten, and I kinda like the little rascal. Our other cats aren’t too thrilled. )

Rocco